Spontaneity, a Cabin and Letting Go

I am a recovering control-freak. Yes, recovering, and very much a work in progress.

The past few months have brought into clear focus my need for control and the safety it brings. However, when I try to control everything (99% of which is out of my control!) I become exhausted, irritable, anxious and lose all sense of humour. Life becomes a series of to-do lists to be ticked off, with a rigid attitude towards the most basic of tasks (the washing must be pegged out just so) and if I am not spinning all the plates, whilst telling others what to do and being perfect in the process then I am failing. This downward spiral leads to me not feeling good enough, comparing myself to others and inevitably being unkind to myself. So, in order to cover up these feelings, I press on, do more and aim to be the highest achiever in all things! I am in control after all!

Just writing this makes me feel heavy and tired and tense; just think of the suffering this kind of living brings to my life and others.

So, how does this lead to my recovery and the title of this post? Well, it has been an ongoing process of acceptance and letting go - each day, moment to moment. When the realisation of my freakish need for control hit me just before my fortieth birthday, I knew I had to face it and move through it. Learning the truth about yourself is a hard process, re-learning how to do things differently is even harder and working against forty years of default settings can feel like pushing water uphill. However, for me, this process is far better than staying as I was, it is worth the sweat and many tears.